Christian Family Law Association

Societal Views

Over 10 million Americans now live in unmarried heterosexual cohabitation.[FN1] When we consider the growth in unmarried heterosexual cohabitation, we may conclude that in the near future it may exceed marital cohabitation as the predominant living arrangement in America. Unmarried heterosexual cohabitation itself is not a new social phenomenon. Only a few decades ago most people in our culture referred to unmarried heterosexual cohabitation as "living in sin" or "shacking up." Such a living arrangement was viewed by society, particularly the church, as socially taboo. As the culture has come to accept unmarried heterosexual cohabitation, in large part due to the number of people who are engaged in the living arrangement, it is referred to by more politically correct or morally neutral terms like "living together" or simply "cohabitation."

The change in social attitudes about unmarried cohabitation may be due in large part to a change in perception of what it takes to have a successful marriage. Researcher George Barna has reported that 60% of Americans believe that the best way to establish a successful marriage is to cohabit prior to marriage.[FN2] Another survey found that two thirds (66%) of high school senior boys agreed or mostly agreed with the statement "it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along."[FN3] Estimates are that as many as 50% of Americans cohabit at one time or another prior to marriage. The stereotype of a young, childless couple living together is not completely accurate. It is estimated that 40% of cohabiting heterosexual relationships involve children.[FN4] Comparative longitudinal studies of children raised by biological parents in a married home and of children raised in unmarried cohabitation have shown that children raised by married parents are healthier, on average, have sharply lower rates of substance abuse, are less likely to divorce, less likely to become unwed parents, and are less likely to abuse their children.[FN5] Unmarried relationships generally have a negative affect on the children of such relationships.[FN6] Although married parents and pastors in the church often proclaim the virtues of marriage, children observe a culture that condones widespread unmarried cohabitation. Married parents and pastors who proclaim unmarried cohabitation as a vice are often viewed as old-fashioned or judgmental.

Biblical View of Heterosexual Cohabitation

Despite its similarities, unmarried cohabitation is not the same as marriage. Except in those few states that deem such relationships common law marriages, unmarried cohabitation is not recognized as marriage by the state. Unmarried cohabitation has none of the legal rights and obligations that arise from marriage. In fact many participants who engage in unmarried cohabitation do so for the very reason that it is their intent not to be married. Some couples say that their unmarried cohabitation is not immoral because they feel they are "already married in the eyes of God." However, they are not married in God's eyes because they do not have a biblical marriage.

So what does the Bible have to say about unmarried heterosexual cohabitation? The best place to start is to consider what the Bible has to say about marriage. The Bible contains 77 verses where the word "married" is used. The word "marriage" is found in 43 verses. The Bible is clear that marriage is God’s plan for mankind. Marriage provides companionship for life. (Gen. 2:18) Marriage provides a godly outlet for sexual desire. (1 Cor. 7:2) It also provides a context for the procreation and nurture of children. (Eph. 6:1-2)

In the New Testament (NT) we see evidence of God’s plan for marriage and a consistent witness against the sexual immorality that occurs with sexual relations outside of marriage. The word "marriage" is found twice in Hebrews 13:4 which says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Sexual immorality is condemned in about 25 passages in the NT. The Greek word is porneia, a word which includes all forms of illicit sexual intercourse. Jesus taught that sexual immorality is a problem of the heart. In Mark 7:20-23 Jesus says, "What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’" The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 5:3, says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." Jesus and Paul recognized that the act of sexual intercourse can have a strong bonding effect on two people. When done within the bounds of marriage, the man and the woman become one flesh. (Matt. 19:5, Eph. 5:31) Paul writes of a man in the church at Corinth who was having sexual relations with his father’s wife. (1 Cor. 5:1-3) Paul calls this relationship sinful for two reasons. First, it was incestuous, which was condemned by the OT. (Lev. 18:8, Deut. 22:30) Second, there was no marital union, but instead an example of the sexual immorality that occurs with unmarried cohabitation. As a means of avoiding sexual immorality, Paul encouraged the church members to marry. (1 Cor. 7:2)

Paul warned of God’s judgment on those who engage in sexual immorality. In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, he says, "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." When we become Christians, we are to put to death sexual immorality because it is a form of idolatry. Colossians 3:5-6 says, "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming." Paul likens the union of one flesh between a husband and wife to our union of one spirit in one body with Jesus when we become a Christian. He views sexual immorality as defiling the Holy Spirit that is in us as Christians. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:17-20,

17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. ¹⁸Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. ¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Although we all sin and need Jesus for our salvation, God expects us to be as pure and holy as possible for that day when we are to give an account of ourselves to him. In 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 Paul gives us the instruction for how we should live to please God saying,

1Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. ²For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. ³It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; ⁴that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, ⁵not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; ⁶and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. ⁷For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. ⁸Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

Psychological and Social Effects of Unmarried Cohabitation

Heterosexual couples are not legally prohibited from marrying as are their homosexual counterparts. Instead, most of those engaged in unmarried heterosexual cohabitation do not marry because one or both of them do not desire to be married. Generally, they do not reject the notion of marriage, rather they fear marriage. The fear may result on various levels. They may fear marriage because of the emotional experience suffered in the divorce of a parent or sibling. They may fear marriage because they have personally experienced failed marriage. They may fear the legal and societal consequences of another failed marriage. Finally, the fear may be a psychological issue. Egocentrism, or self-centeredness, often results in a choice or inability to surrender one’s self to another in such an intimate relationship as marriage. Placing another ahead of one’s own self-interests can be difficult for some people. Various personality disorders, e.g. narcissistic, obsessive compulsive, paranoid, avoidant or dependent personality disorders, are often a cause of an unreasonable fear of marriage.

Many unmarried couples decide to live together before marriage to alleviate loneliness, or to save money for their marriage. It is not uncommon for at least one partner who is considering marriage to adopt the cultural imperative by saying to the other, "I think we should live together before we get married to see if we are compatible." Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher in their book titled, "The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially, makes the case for why couples should not "test drive" their relationships before marriage.[FN7] Despite the traditional notion of celibacy until marriage in the 1950s and 60s, the authors discuss how many couples today view their partners much like a product that they are thinking of buying. The question that justifies living together is, "You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive would you?" Although tempting, such questions dehumanize a potential marriage partner as if he or she were a product. Accepting such an inappropriate analogy can have significant emotional consequences. For instance, if a person decides not to marry the person with whom he or she is cohabiting, that person, unlike a car that is not purchased, is likely to feel unloved, rejected, and hurt. As previously mentioned, when partners become sexually intimate, there is a bond that is created that includes certain emotional baggage. Unlike the car that is test driven and given back without baggage, the partner is loaded with baggage that he or she takes into the next relationship. Unlike the rejected car that will need no counseling to trust the next driver, a rejected partner may need significant psychological help to prepare her or him for the next relationship. They conclude that test-driving a relationship is only positive if you are the driver.

Studies show that unmarried couples who cohabit prior to marriage have a greater risk of divorce. One study based on the National Survey of Families and Households found that marriages where there was prior unmarried cohabitation were 46% more likely to divorce than marriages where there was no prior unmarried cohabitation. The authors concluded, based on this study and the results of previous studies, the risk of marital disruption following unmarried cohabitation "is beginning to take on the status of an empirical generalization."[FN8] Some researchers believed the correlation between unmarried cohabitation before marriage and divorce is artificial since people willing to cohabit are more unconventional and less committed to marriage. In other words, cohabitation does not cause divorce but is merely associated with it because the same type of people are involved in both phenomena. However, when this "selection effect" is carefully controlled statistically, a "cohabitation effect" remains. Marriages are held together by a lifetime commitment to each other. Unmarried couples who cohabit value autonomy over commitment and tend not to be as committed as married couples in their dedication to the continuation of the relationship.[FN9]

Sociologists David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, in a study released through the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, concluded that cohabiting before marriage may be a risk to the marriage itself.[FN10] They found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to a long-lasting marriage that unmarried couples should avoid living together, especially if it involves children. They argue that living together is "a fragile family form" that poses increased risk to women and children. One factor in their conclusion is each partner’s difference in their perception of the cohabitation. Men often enter the relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the sacrifices and ties of a long-term commitment. Women, however, often see the living arrangement as a step toward marriage. While women may believe they are headed for marriage, the men are often entertaining a different future. Some men hold to the ideal of a pure and faithful marriage partner, and may view their sexually promiscuous and now defiled partner as lacking the ideal virtue for marriage. Another factor is unwillingness of uncommitted partners to resolve their differences. When difficulties arise, it is often easier for the couple to abandon the relationship and find another partner. The study also shows that partners who cohabit before marriage are less happy and score lower on well-being indices, including sexual satisfaction, following their marriages. It was also found that couples who cohabit for an extended period of time have less financial resources than married couples, particularly because of employment and tax benefits offered to married couples.

Although there are exceptions, unmarried cohabitation can have negative consequences for a future marriage. Research has shown that those who cohabit tend to view marriage negatively because they see marriage as involving the assumption of new responsibilities as contrasted with their former freedoms. An unmarried couple who are living together have nearly everything that marriage has to offer, yet few of the commitments and responsibilities. Marriage itself is viewed as giving up certain freedoms and adding new commitments and responsibilities without significant benefits they do not already have, so it is not uncommon for one partner or the other to feel constrained or trapped. On the other hand, those marrying through the conventional route of dating and courtship did not feel constrained by marriage, but rather felt liberated by marriage. Couples entering marriage through dating and courtship, especially if they maintain their sexual purity, find that marriage is the culmination of their relationship and provides the full depth of a relationship they have long anticipated.[FN11] One study found that "living with a romantic partner prior to marriage was associated with more negative and less positive problem solving support and behavior during marriage." Since there is less certainty of a long-term commitment, there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills.[FN12]

Unmarried cohabitation can have other often unforeseen consequences as well. Unmarried couples who live together experience depression at a rate three times higher than married couples.[FN13] Those who cohabit are much more likely to be unhappy in marriage and much more likely to think about divorce.[FN14] Women in unmarried living arrangements are more than twice as likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse.[FN15] Another study found that women in cohabiting relationships are 8.9 times more likely to be killed by their cohabiting male partner than are women in marital relationships.[FN16]

Unmarried households with children can be particularly harmful to the children for several reasons. First, several studies have found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner have significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children in intact families. There is also a greater likelihood that the couple will break-up which creates even more social and personal difficulties for the children. Third, many of these children were not born in the present union but in a previous union of one of the adult partners (usually the mother). Appropriate arrangements for child custody, visitation, and child support are often neglected because of fear that the court may find out that the children are living with a parent with an out-of-wedlock partner. Children have difficulties adjusting to stepparents, and this is even more problematic where there is an unmarried boyfriend with whom the mother has no marriage commitment.[FN17]

Footnotes: 

[FN1] U. S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Reports, Series P20-537; America's Families and Living Arrangements: March 2000 and earlier reports.

[FN2] George Barna, The Future of the American Family (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), 131.

[FN3] Jerald G. Bachman, Lloyd D. Johnston, and Patrick M. O'Malley, Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire Responses from the Nation's High School Seniors, 2000 (Ann Arbor: MI: Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan, 2001).

[FN4] Larry L. Bumpass, James A. Sweet, and Andrew Cherlin, "The Role of Cohabitation in the Declining Rates of Marriage," Journal of Marriage and Family 53(1991), 914 and 926; Larry L. Bumpass & Hsien-Hen Lu, "Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contacts in the United States, 54 Population Stud. 29 (2000).

[FN5] William J. Dougherty, et al., Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-One Conclusions From the Social Sciences 6-17.

[FN6] Renata Forste, "Prelude to Marriage or Alternative to Marriage? A Social Demographic Look at Cohabitation in the U.S., 4 J.L. Fam. Stud. 91, 94 (2002); Lynne Marie Kohm and Karen M. Groen, Cohabitation and the Future of Marriage, 17 Regent U. L. Rev. 261, 275-6 (2004-5). The authors make an important point that a mother or father may be thinking that unmarried cohabitation, while not the best solution, is better than being a single parent. However, the presence of an unmarried cohabitor, while it may be providing a small benefit, "is the very thing that is sabotaging the child’s ultimate best for the long run: being raised in a married family."

[FN7] Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially (New York: Random House, 2000).

[FN8] Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao, "Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability in the United States: A Reassessment," Journal of Marriage and Family 54 (1992), 178-190.

[FN9] Stephen Nock, "A Comparison of Marriages and Cohabiting Relationships," Journal of Family Issues 16 (1995), 53-76.

[FN10] David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage," The National Marriage Project, the Next Generation Series, Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, January 1999.

[FN11] R.E.L. Watson, "Premarital Cohabitation vs. Traditional Courtship: The Effects of Subsequent Marital Adjustment," Family Relations 32(1981), 139-147.

[FN12] Catherine L. Cohan and Stacey Kleinbaum, "Toward A Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication," Journal of Marriage and Family 64 (2002), 180-192.

[FN13] Lee Robins and Darrel Reiger, Psychiatric Disorders in America (New York: Free Press, 1990), 72.

[FN14] Andrew Greeley, Faithful Attraction (New York: Tom Doherty, 1991), 206.

[FN15] Jan E. Stets, "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation," Journal of Marriage and Family 53(1991): 669-680.

[FN16] Todd K. Shackelford, "Cohabitation, Marriage and Murder," Aggressive Behavior 27(2001), 284-191.

[FN17] Elizabeth Thompson, T. L. Hanson, and S.S. McLanahan, "Family Structure and Child Well-Being: Economic Resources versus Parental Behaviors," Social Forces 71(1994), 221-242; Rachel Dunifon and Lori Kowaleski-Jones, "Who's in the House? Effects of Family Structure on Children's Home Environments and Cognitive Outcomes," Child Development, forthcoming.