Christian Family Law Association

The Growing Incidence of Singleness

The fastest growing alternative lifestyle is adult singles. For whatever reason, there are more single adults than ever before in American history. According to the 2006 American Community Survey published by the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 118 million unmarried Americans who were 15 and over, which translates to 49.6% of the 15 and over population. When we consider that this figure was 36% in 1970, it is apparent that there has been a significant shift toward singleness as an alternative lifestyle. America’s population consisted of 30.5% who were single because they have never been married, 10.5% who were single because they were divorced, 6.4% who were single because they were widowed, and 2.3% who were single because they were married and separated. Statistics related to singleness are quite similar in North Carolina. In 2006 there were 3,429,985 unmarried North Carolinians who were 15 and over, which translates to 48.5% of the 15 and over population. The North Carolina population consisted of 28.6% who were single because they have never been married, 10% who were single because they were divorced, 6.5% who were single because they were widowed, and 3.3% who are single because they were married and separated.[FN1] This does not however indicate that all North Carolina singles are living alone. In 2006 there were approximately 144,000 unmarried couples living together in North Carolina, which translates to about 8.4% of the singles population. So approximately 91.6% (3,148,726) of North Carolina’s singles live alone.

Traditional Views on Singleness

Traditionally Americans have been obsessed with the idea that marriage is necessary for an adult to be complete, happy, meaningful, and successful. Marriage has been viewed in American culture as the ideal for every person.[FN2] We read study after study that suggests married people are happier, healthier, get more sex, are more financially secure, and live longer than single people. However, some suggest these studies lack credibility, and that the suggested transforming power in the experience of marriage that gives it superiority over singleness is mythical.[FN3] Nevertheless, most married Americans, and many singles as well, view marriage as the normal state. They have never entertained the thought that singleness could be an acceptable and fulfilling adult lifestyle that is the result of a well-reasoned choice. Many people today have remained single because they have made a choice to be single, or because through circumstances they have involuntarily been made single. The voluntary choice of singleness occurs when young people, for whatever reason, voluntarily delay or decline to marry altogether. Others become single involuntary through divorce or through the death of a spouse, and then make a voluntary choice not to remarry.

Redefining Views on Singleness

The popularity of television shows like Friends and Sex in the City have celebrated the attributes of single life. Singleness is also celebrated by singles groups in churches and other social settings. Singles have publications like Being Single Magazine, and a number of websites that are dedicated to issues related to singles. There have also been numerous books written that support singleness, however most books for singles are written more from a female perspective.[FN4] Despite the fact that singleness has been glamorized by some, many people cling to cultural perspectives that have led to misconceptions about singleness. Singles are often stereotyped as incomplete, lonely, miserable, and unfulfilled people who are on a continuous search for a compatible mate. Many Americans identify singles with the horror of growing old and dying alone. Even worse, by the time singles reach their 30s and 40s, many people begin to try and diagnose the reasons why singles have not married. For instance, it is not unusual for coffee break discussions to speculate on whether it is an unsightly physical appearance, lack of intellectual abilities, lack of social graces, unreasonably high standards, self-centeredness, or sexual orientation that has caused Jack or Jill not to marry.

A Call for Civil Rights for Singles

Many of our cultural perspectives have caused singles to be discriminated against, ignored, marginalized, and stigmatized. Unlike other victims of discrimination that are taken seriously, such as African Americans or women, singles have been largely ignored by social justice advocates. The biggest obstacle for singles is how the government, employers, and society in general favors married couples over singles. The tax laws are written to promote marriage and traditional family values. The government has enacted more favorable tax rates for married taxpayers than for single taxpayers. In wrongful death cases, a married person’s life is valued higher than that of a single person. The higher tax rates for singles means singles are subsidizing the taxes paid by married couples. In other words, if married couples were required to pay more, singles could pay less which would lessen the discriminatory effect of taxes on singles. Restaurants often provide two-for-one coupons that are of little value to single persons. These coupons are issued at a cost to the restaurant which means the singles are subsidizing the married couples through the higher prices that must be charged for the coupons. Auto insurance companies charge higher premiums for singles than is charged to each driver in a family vehicle insurance plan. Singles generally pay more for gym or club memberships than members of a family would be charged. Hotels, airlines, cruises, and theme parks offer discounts for families that are not offered to singles who want to add a guest. Even grocery stores market foods that are packaged for two or more persons while few foods are packaged for singles. Employers generally pay the highest salaries to married men. They receive discounted health insurance premiums for them and their family members that are not received by single employees. One survey of adults near retirement age found that single men had 61% less accumulated wealth than men who had remained married, and that single women had 86% less accumulated wealth than women who had remained married.[FN5] Singles are also stereotyped and marginalized in social circles. Singles are often stereotyped as looking for marriage. Married couples tend to invite other married couples rather than singles to social gatherings. Churches, employers, and social circles often glorify couples with couples Bible studies, marriage retreats, bowling leagues, and other small groups that leave out singles. When singles are included they are often segregated as a singles group. It is no wonder that marriage promotes happier and more financially secure people when we consider the cost of being single. In summary, singles simply do not enjoy the legal, societal, and economic power afforded to traditional families.

A Biblical Perspective on Singleness

Religious institutions have also played a part in the cultural view that marriage is superior to singleness. Pastors and teachers often promote and glorify marriage over singleness. However, the Bible does not necessarily favor marriage over singleness. In the Old Testament (OT), singleness was rare among individuals who were old enough to marry. Jewish culture honored God’s command in Genesis 1:28 to "[b]e fruitful and increase in number ..."[FN6] An often quoted Scripture in support of marriage is Genesis 2:18, which says, "The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ " A majority of people in the OT viewed being single as contrary to God’s intention in creation. Most OT singles were widows and eunuchs. Being a widow meant facing financial struggles. In 2 Kings 4:1 we hear a widow’s cry to Elisha that a creditor of her deceased husband was after her to take her two sons as slaves for the debt. Being a widow also meant being among the most defenseless and helpless in society and needed the assistance of others (Deut. 10:18; Isa. 54:4). Because singleness was viewed as unnatural, most widows remarried as soon as possible. We see this in the case of Ruth and Naomi. To promote remarriage of the widow, we see the institution of levirate marriage (Deut. 25:5-6, and the provision that widows without children from priestly families could return to their father’s house and partake of the priestly food (Lev. 22:13). The OT is filled with references where God, a defender of widows, reminds the people of their sacred obligation to care for widows.[FN7] In Isaiah 47:8-9 God threatens the nation of Israel with widowhood as a divine judgment for its spiritual disobedience. Like being a widow, being a eunuch was not an enviable position. Although eunuchs served in the royal courts as servants, as confidants, as overseers, and as military leaders, they were generally looked down upon.[FN8] Eunuchs were prevented from worshiping the Lord (Deut. 23:1), and from participation in the priesthood (Lev. 21:2). Becoming a eunuch was also included in the threat of divine judgment for spiritual disobedience (2 Kgs 20:18; Isa. 39:7) Other singles in the OT included those who could not marry due to disease, severe economic difficulties, those under divine call (e.g., Jeremiah), the divorced, and unmarried young people who had not reached marriage age which was usually age 13 for women and 15 for men.[FN9]

While singleness in the OT was uncommon and often involuntary, the New Testament (NT) includes teachings by Jesus and the Apostle Paul that express approval of singleness as an advantage in the service of God. Although marriage was still the norm in NT Jewish life (Matt. 19:4-6), the most significant persons in the NT, namely, John the Baptist, Jesus, and Paul, were all single. Both Jesus and Paul mention celibacy, Jesus calling it "eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 19:12), and Paul speaking of it as a "gift from God" (1 Cor. 7:7). Both Jesus and Paul indicate that a call to singleness allows for greater and more undistracted attention to religious service (Matt. 24:19; Luke 14:26; 1 Cor. 7:29-35). Therefore, singleness can be God’s will for certain individuals. It is not a curse, but instead a divine gift—just as "every good and perfect gift is from above" (Jas. 1:17). In certain situations singleness is preferable to marriage (1 Cor. 7). Jesus taught that in the heavenly kingdom people will no longer marry but would be like the angels (Matt. 22:30). So everyone will spend eternity as singles. There appears to be in Scripture a trajectory, or development, from the OT, where singleness is rare and highly undesirable, to the NT, where singleness is presented as a divine gift that is advantageous for service in God’s Kingdom, to singleness being the universal state of humanity in heaven.

Footnotes: 

[FN1] It should be noted that these U.S. Census figures may be slightly skewed for the purpose of proving the number of true singles who have not married because they include a portion of the population between 15 and 18 who are minors and who are not a category of adults we consider likely to be married. However, this group of 15, 16, and 17 year olds would only slightly decrease the numbers stated herein.

[FN2] See Lynne Marie Kohm and Karen M. Groen, Cohabitation and the Future of Marriage, 17 Regent U. L. Rev. 261, 276 (2004-5). The authors discuss the paradox of why so many people who think that marriage is the ideal "happy" state are so unwilling to risk getting married. They point out that many view the stakes as too high. They are simply unwilling to sacrifice themselves for the good of another with no guarantee of return. But by electing unmarried cohabitation, their hope of the ideal "happy" state is destroyed.

[FN3] See discussion in Bella DePaulo, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2006), chapter 2.

[FN4] See, Jen Schefft, Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling (NY:HarperCollins, 2007); Emily Dubberley, I’d Rather Be Single Than Settle: Satisfied Solitude and How to Achieve It (London: Fusion Press, 2007); Jane Ganahl, Naked on the Page: The Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife (NY: Viking, 2007); Florence Falk, On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone (NY: Random House, 2007); Leslie Talbot, Singular Existence: Because It’s Better to be Alone Than Wish You Were! (Citadel Press, 2007); Dean Mignola, The Single Guy’s Survival Guide (Shell Beach: CA, Jackson Douglas Press, 2005).

[FN5] Bella DePaulo, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2006), 232-3.

[FN6] All biblical references are to the New International Version (NIV).

[FN7] Exodus 22:22-23; Deuteronomy 14:29; 16:11, 14; 24:19-21; 27:19; Psalm 68:5; 146:9; Proverbs 15:25; Isaiah 1:17; Jeremiah 22:3; Zechariah 7:10; Malachi 3:5.

[FN8] 2 Kings 25:19; Esther 1:12; 2:3; 4:5; Jeremiah 52:25; Daniel 1:7; 2.

[FN9] Andreas J. Kostenberger with David W. Jones, God, Marriage and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2004), 175-6.