Christian Family Law Association

Marriage is presented in the Bible as a covenant between a man and a woman. The Hebrew word for covenant (berit) is used more than 280 times in the Old Testament. The biblical meaning of covenant is "an elective relationship of obligation under divine sanction." Covenant therefore establishes a relationship that carries with it obligations under the watchful eye of God. We should not break, transgress, sin against, forsake, despise, or forget the covenants we make. The marriage covenant is a solemn, sacred agreement, wherein we bind ourselves to certain obligations, swearing an oath and signifying in a ceremony the total commitment to fulfill those obligations. The marriage covenant is also made under God’s watchful eye. He is the witness to our keeping the obligations created by the covenant. His curses or blessings flow accordingly. These agreements are not meant to be entered into lightly (VanGoethem, 2005, p. 98). Marriage is a covenant of responsible love, a fellowship of repentance and forgiveness. Christians understand marriage as a covenant made under God, and in the presence of the Christian family. This pledge endures, not because of the force of the law or the fear of its sanctions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent, than any legal contract (Bradley, 2006).

The sign of marriage is often misunderstood. It is not the exchange of rings, or the lighting of a unity candle, but rather it is the consummation of the marriage with physical intimacy. This act was meant by God to mark the decisive end to the premarital state. The sexual act’s exalted position leaves little wonder that pre-marital sex weakens subsequent marriages. Part of the glue that binds couples in marriage is missing when sexual intimacy has come before the marriage vows. Only when a covenant of marriage surrounds sexual intimacy does it have the power to deepen the bond. All of the elements together – intentions, vows, obligations, signs, and the most important aspect, the presence of God – finally form a new relationship that did not exist before (VanGoethem, 2005, p. 100). Marriage is a total commitment to a total person for a total life (Bradley, 2006).

Some passages in the Bible explicitly state that marriage is a covenant. Others do not mention the term covenant, but still reflect the covenantal meaning. In Malachi 2:14-16, God rebukes the husbands in Israel who were divorcing their wives after many years of marriage. God reminded them that their wives were their companions, and the "wives of their youth," and the "wives of their covenant." And God reminded them that He was the witness to their covenant of marriage. Therefore, what these men had done was an offense to God Himself, who was part of the covenant. The text in Genesis 2:21-25 provides the foundation for the imagery of marriage. God instituted the first marriage in the Garden of Eden when He gave Eve to Adam as a wife (Gen 2:18-25). That later marriages were to follow the pattern of the first marriage is indicated by the concluding divine instruction: "This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh" (Matt 19:4-6) (Butler, 2003, p. 1082). The one who made them in the beginning, made them male and female, and joined the two together. It is still God Himself who joins particular members of the opposite sex together in a natural relationship unlike any other (Humphrey, 2004, p. 36). Because God instituted marriage, it is more than just a ceremony. Other Biblical passages that indicate that the marriage is based on a covenant before God include Proverbs 2:17, Ezekiel 16:8, 59-62, and, Hosea 2:16-20. Jesus tells us, "Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Mark 10:9). Divorce attempts to sever something that can never really be severed, which explains why it is so painful for many people.

So if marriage is that difficult, if the covenant of marriage is that hard to keep, then why get married? God’s own answer to this question can be found in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper who approximates (or corresponds) to him." God gives us marriage to solve the problem of man’s loneliness. God recognized that Adam’s aloneness was not good. Adam needed "a helper who was like him," someone to complement or complete him, whose nature corresponded to his own (Gen 2:21-23). He needed more than a vessel for the production of children; he needed a helpmate, which is not to be misconstrued as a demeaning term, since it is also used of God (Gen 49:25; Exod 18:4; Deut 33:7,26; 1 Sam 7:12; Isa 41:10; Ps 10:14; 33:20). The companionship shared between husbands and wives in marriage enables physical, psychological, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Companionship within marriage is expressed in acts of love. The pattern of love that ought to define a marriage is found in 1 Corinthians 13:1-7. Marriage should be a place of patience, humility, joy, truth, peace, affirmation, and hope for both parties. Marriage is not a place for abuse. Nowhere in Scripture is a husband or wife given authority to strike or demean his or her spouse. Love, in marriage, focuses upon giving one’s spouse the companionship he or she needs to eliminate loneliness (Adams, 1980, p. 12). Unfortunately, these biblical principles have not been faithfully taught in the church, and if they were, it may make a significant difference in the way Christians view their relationships with their mates.

We would be remiss without mentioning that God has called some to be exceptions to His own rule, and has provided for their need for companionship by gifting them especially to lead the single life (cf. Matt 19:11, 12; 1 Cor 7:7). God has singled out for Himself the people who are to lead a life of celibacy for the sake of His kingdom. In ancient Israel we find that celibacy had no status, and not to be married was considered a humiliation. "Seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, ‘We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes; just let us be called by your name; take away our disgrace’" (Isa 4:1). Jeremiah alone was enjoined by Yahweh not to take a wife and have a family: "You [Jeremiah] shall not take a wife, nor shall you have sons and daughters in this place" (Jer 16:2)(King & Stager, 2001, p.56).

A Christian marriage is a system where persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years, in spite of repeated disappointments, to make the dream come true (Bradley, 2006). A Christian marriage is also a total commitment of two people to the Person of Jesus Christ, and to one another. It is a commitment wherein there is no holding back of anything. It is similar to a solvent, a freeing-up of the man and the woman to be themselves, and to be all that God intends them to be. Marriage is the refining process that God will use to have us develop into the man or woman He wants us to be (Bradley, 2006). Scripture provides for us clear roles for husbands and wives. These roles in no way lessen the value of either party. The husband and wife are each created in God’s image and are of equal worth in the sight of God (Gen 1:27). The marriage relationship models the way God relates to His people. The Bible describes the marriage that pleases God in terms of mutual submission empowered by the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:18-21; Phil 2:1-4). However, mutual submission is to be expressed differently by the husband and the wife. The husband is to practice self-denying, nurturing love for his wife, patterned after that of Christ (Eph 5:25-33). He is the initiator, and he is responsible for leading his wife with wisdom and understanding. He is to protect her, provide for her, and honor her (1 Pet 3:7; Col 3:19). A wife, on the other hand, is to express her submission by following her husband’s leadership with respect (Eph 5:22-24,33; Col 1:18), maintaining a pure and reverent life with "a gentle and quiet spirit" (1 Pet 3:1-6). A wife completes or fills out the husband’s life, making him a larger person than he could have been alone, bringing into his frame of reference a new feminine dimension from which to view life that he could not have known any other way. He also brings to his wife a masculine perspective that enlarges her life, making her a fuller, more complete person than she would have been separate and apart from him. Therefore, the marriage union, not only solves the problem of loneliness by filling in the gap, it overfills it and makes each partner in the marriage more complete (Adams, 1980, p. 16). Marriage does not demand perfection. But it must be given priority. It is an institution for sinners. No one else need apply. But it finds its fullest glory when sinners see it as God’s way of leading us through His ultimate curriculum of love and righteousness (Bradley, 2006).

"God made them male and female" (Gen 1:27). Through marriage and family God enables human beings, male and female, to participate in his creative activity and redemptive purposes. These purposes include procreation, day-to-day stewardship over the creation and it’s creatures, and relational intimacy and sexual union. Together these activities deepen and strengthen the covenant relationship between husband and wife, to fulfill God’s will for bonding and community. The New Testament witness on both discipleship and marriage builds on this understanding. The central purpose of marriage, as of all of life, is to seek first the reign of God (Matt 6:33). As spouses lay down their own lives for God and for each other, as they lose themselves in the way of the cross (Luke 9:23-25), they find the richest possible fulfillment in marriage. Kingdom living in the area of marriage entails building and preserving joyful, companionable, just, faithful, permanent covenant partnerships committed to fulfilling God’s purposes for marriage, with each person, male and female, doing those things He has ordained to keep the marriage healthy (Stassen & Gushee, 2003, p.275-7).

To build a marriage partnership we must heed God’s calling to look to the interests of the other person, consider the other person as better than ourselves, and to lay down our own life for our very best, lifelong friend – our mate (Sanford, 2006, p. 21). The oneness that Scripture describes is not a given, even among believers. Every marriage is a mixture of blessings and challenges. Delight, disappointment, connection, and conflict are each part of the journey. Forging a resilient, God-honoring marriage takes time, energy and commitment. Many people assume that the primary purpose of marriage is to make them happy. They base the condition of their marriage on the question, "Am I happier today than I was yesterday?" If their answer is yes, they feel satisfied. If it is no, they feel disappointed or disillusioned, and they may reevaluate their commitment to their marriage (Thomas, 2004, p. 44). Jesus had a different purpose in mind when He spoke of His church and how marriage is in relationship to His church:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave [H]imself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by washing with water through the word, and to present her to [H]imself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Eph 5:25-27).

In no other relationship do we live in such close proximity to another human being who can see our faults and encourage our growth in righteousness. If ever there was a place where iron sharpens iron, surely marriage is that place. In marriage, we grow as people who love sacrificially, who learn to forgive, and who point one another toward Christ in our words and actions. Marriage can be a place of continuing conformity to Christ’s character. A marriage marked by discord, animosity, or the threat of divorce fails to glorify God. But a marriage marked by forgiveness, determination to resolve conflict, and a growing sense of unity is what God desires.

References:

Adams, J. E. (1980). Marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the bible. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Butler, T. C. (2003). Holman illustrated bible dictionary. Edited by Chad Brands, Charles Draper and Archie England. Nashville: Holman Bible Publishers. 1082-1084.

Byler, J. D. (2004). "Wanting without warring," in Discipleship Journal. Colorado Springs: NavPress. 85-87.

Bradley, Sidney. (2006). Notes from lecture on marriage from marital therapy class. Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary - Charlotte. Spring 2006.

Thomas, G. (2004). "A marriage after God’s own heart," in Discipleship Journal. Colorado Springs: NavPress. 41-50.

Humphrey, E. M. (2004). "What God hath not joined." in Christianity Today International. 36.

King, P. J. and Stager, L. E. (2001). Life in biblical Israel. Louisville: Westminister John Know Press.

Sanford, R. S. (2006). "A team of two," in Today’s Christian woman. Christianity Today International. 18-21.

Stassen, G. H. and Gushee, D. P. (2003). Kingdom ethics: Following Jesus in contemporary context. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press.

VanGoethem, J. (2005). A guide to counseling unmarried couples: living together. Grand Rapids: Kregel Publications.

Wright, H. N. (2002). How to counsel a couple in 6 sessions or less. Ventura, CA: Regal.